Goodspaceguy asks voters to “now begin building the Age of Space Colonization," and to put him in Congress. He describes his Significant Career Experience: “Trying to understand the universe, Goodspaceguy became an amateur jack-of-all trades and astronomer and economist and wants to advance rejuvenation and medical technology and wants tall buildings and more movies made in Washington State.”

Now there is a man of ideas: movies, tall buildings, rejuvenation. All without a comma.

Next is another would-be congressman, Mark A. Goldman, C.L.U. He begins his statement, “I rise to defend the moon and the stars…” In Congress, no less. I turn the page.

Now the governor’s race. There is Dino Rossi and Christine Gregoire. But there is also Duff Badgley. Duff, of the Green Party, Sustainable Ballard, etc.,, is unsatisfied with the pussyfoot environmentalism of the Democrats. The world is in a non-linear crisis, he proclaims, and it requires “emergency World War II-type laws” like “personal carbon rationing” and “steep, progressive individual carbon taxes.” Duff would outlaw coal-fired power plants and the single-occupant car (except where there was no bus service).

If the Greens seem too enamored of taxes and cops, consider gubernatorial candidate Christian Pierre Joubert. This earnest Democrat wants to build in Washington “a Spiritual Civilization based on holistic medicine, alternative energy, affordable housing” and freedom from hunger—this last, from “tree planting, vineyards, organic agriculture, health restaurants and the distribution of ‘superfoods’ (including but not limited to amazing dopamine-producing raw vegan chocolate mousses).”

I turn the page of my dopamine-deficient Voter’s Pamphlet to Javier O. Lopez, a Republican who looks a lot like Fidel Castro and has, apparently, a revolutionary mind. The high point of his page is not his candidate statement but his statement of Significant Career Experience, in which he says, “As an artist and inventor I have come up with an invention that will solve all the world’s problems.” The invention? An engine that runs on air.

Last, consider Mohammad Hassan Said, independent. He runs for governor of Washington in order to stop America’s “Jewish Zionist Lobby,” with its “mighty power in the News Media, Financial Institutions, Hollywood and Entertainment Industry, Both Political Parties, Congress and the White House.” The stern-looking Said would amend the U.S. Constitution to take the war power away from Congress and give it to the state legislatures.

I can see it now: Christine Gregoire, asking for a declaration of war.